When the last vestiges of sickness left me I found a shiny new need to clean and organize which always leads to more productivity, definitely a good thing. Then, I found an old friend, Brian, that I really missed on FB and he stopped by and we talked for a while. It was smooth until my daughter came home and it felt like my past and present were in the same room. I didn’t notice the years that had passed by between my friend and I until she came home. It had been about eight years since I’d last seen him. Lily is five. There is a certain comfort talking with someone that knows who you’ve been. Thankfully that was the experience I had with Brian’s visit.
Having this oppurtunity to connect with the past got me thinking. Sometimes it’s not the most positive experience seeing an old friend because they remind you of what an ass, or idiot, or aimless person, or whatever you were when you were younger just by existing. Memories come back that you would rather have buried because their embarrassing to remember. Yeah, I know, I’m a tad hard on myself. For the most part I so my best to remember that I was young and not as mature as I am now and I try to pay the same courtesy to other people. Yet we are the sum of our experiences, right? On the other hand, I’m a firm believer in accepting all parts of myself because these experiences are mine, I own them, better to be mindful than oblivious (trust me, I have to make an effort not to be oblivious). They should not be shunned but embraced which can be difficult. Learn from the experience and it will be transformed into something useful rather than painful or at the very least the pain can be signal not to do it again. Conditioning, I suppose, hmm….
Anyway, so I started really cleaning and organizing my place. Granted I do general cleaning, for goodness sakes, I have a child! I can’t get away with just having dust coat everything and nothing in the fridge or choosing to eat a fluffy salad for dinner, lol. This kind of cleaning is dragging stuff outta closets and reevaluating decor and knick-knacks, etc. Spring (or fall) cleaning. I find that if the outside of me is in a particular state, the inside of me can reflect it. This instance I allow for that mirroring. I’m so grateful for it. I haven’t felt this together since last summer.
I was doing well keeping the house organized per a little organizing book Don gave me in my holiday stocking ( he is great encouragement, plus it staves off him pulling his hair out, lol). But then some stuff went down in my extended family and it kinda fell apart (my parents split up). Of course, this was also the only summer I was taking classes because I was determined to graduate the coming fall semester. There was a lot of stress and it took everything I could do to hold on to that stable place inside me. I was lucky to have Don then. He’s loving, stable, consistent and doesn’t give in to drama at all. He is a living Occam’s Razor which is always helpful when one is an imaginative and expounding sort like myself.
There is still lots of drama. Lots of emotional upset. I’ve become accustomed to the level of drama that can ensue at any given moment. It has been quite a journey and learning experience in how to interact with individuals in such a situation. Being my parents I know better than to take sides and not to exacerbate their state of being by strongly expressing my emotional struggles with the situation. Also I’ve graduated to the Boundaries Course 201.
I tried to make sure Lily wasn’t emersed into the emotional crap being flung and explaining calmly and honestly without any sensationalism at all why Grandma wasn’t living with Grandpa anymore. *phew*
Now I’m thankfully back to that peaceful, stable place where I happily organize and clean. It’s wonderful!
And I must say also I’m thankful for Facebook because I’ve friended a lot of people I haven’t talked to in years. Facebook: Highly Recommended.